PART NINETY FIVE

PART NINETY FIVE

 
Ahmed called this morning but I didn’t get to answer his call, he sent a message to ask if I received all my belongings and how I was doing. I am still so upset with him, I don’t know if I will ever forgive him. He has really proved me wrong, I always said he is so different from his family and now I see his the same. 
 
I feel like all this is planned, his parents first accepting me, then his mother disliking me, then she all of a sudden is at the wedding, now this torment. You hear about inlaws mistreating their daughter-in-laws, maybe this is what is happening to me. I have been a horrible person to be around,  I couldn’t concentrate at all on my work, I got annoyed with the staff. 
 
I went to visit Sakina after work, she experienced something similar in her first marriage and she might be able to help me to come to a conclusion on what I should do. I remember her telling me that she didn’t want to get involved with Imraan because she was afraid of the same thing happening again. 
 
So I told her what happened and I’m so confused and hurt as well. I can’t think straight, one minute I feel I should forgive Ahmed because he was probably forced, the next minute I blame him, thinking that he could of stopped it, he is not a child, he could stand up to his parents. 
 
Sakina said that the only way I can move on is if I forgive Ahmed and his family. She said, ” It’s easier for you to accept what has happened, I’m not saying you should accept him back, that is entirely your decision, no one can decide that for you, but you will have to set ground rules and limitations, especially for the inlaws.”
 
She had done the same but her ex husband was not willing to change so that’s why her marriage failed. She said, that she will always be there for me but ultimately I would have to take the decisions, she can only console me. It was nice talking to her, I felt a bit better and I think I’m ready to forgive Ahmed and his family. 
 
I find it difficult to accept Ahmed back, it’s not an easy decision. When I got home my parents were waiting for me, they wanted to speak to me. My dad said that he knows it’s difficult but I need to come to a decision. Ahmed parents called and they said that Ahmed told them that I said I don’t want any of them around me, so does that mean I want a divorce. 
 
They asked if I could decide and let them know because they want to know if they must stay to give their son support or will he be okay and have a marriage to come back to. How can they even ask, if they so worried about saving their sons marriage why did they make the trouble in the first place.
 
I know that my mother-in-law feels that if Ahmed stays at my place then it’s like my rule and I have a upper hand which she hates. She wants a home where she can say it’s my son’s and she can have the upper hand, which I will never give her. She has to learn to accept and live with me not rule me and hate me. If I give in now I will always be giving in. 
 
I told my dad to call my father-in-law and tell him that I can’t rush into a decision. I don’t want to take any wrong decisions and regret later. If they want to go back they can go, if their son needs them he can call them back. I went to my room after my dad called them to tell them what I said. 
 
It’s so difficult on me and I don’t need the added pressure. I just wanted to be alone and I was glad my parents understood me and respected my feelings. My mum and dad went to visit one of my dad’s friends so that I could be alone. I sat in my room just thinking and crying. 
 
Trying to make sense of things, my mind just went in circles. It seems like such a trivial matter but yet so consequential. I mean it has everything to do with my life with Ahmed. Will he ever do something like this or worst in the future. I have no idea what I am going to do, but I have to make a decision. 
 
My parents got back, we had supper and then I went to my room. I decided to check my emails and Facebook account, Ahmed sent me an email, he wants me to message him when i am free. He said that he would like to Skype, so we could sort things out. He wanted to cancel his meetings and come home early but he can’t get a ticket back. 
 
He has to wait two days, so he is trying to finish his work in the mean time. I didn’t want to be harsh and just shut him out of my life. I emailed him and arranged a time when we could Skype. He replied immediately and said he was available and we could Skype. I was nervous, I have no idea why. 
 
I closed my room door, by then he had already called me. He was happy to see me, he said it a few times and also thanked me for allowing him to speak to me. First he told me what happened on the day they moved everything. He said that his mother was very obtrusive and he didn’t want to break her heart. 
 
He expected me to understand so he didn’t worry to much about me, he knew that he could move things back if I didn’t like the move. I explained to him that it was not about the move, it was that I was not informed and all my things were moved and I asked him to imagine how I felt when I walked into an empty house. 
 
After our talk, Ahmed understood how I felt, I understood what he went through, but it still didn’t solve anything. Ahmed did ask if he could come home when he returned, I told him I haven’t decided as yet. Although I have forgiven them,its difficult to move on with the fear that I can’t trust in him anymore. 
 
I have so many emotions to deal with right now, it feels like I’m being pulled into a whirlpool. I have this pressure on my shoulders, Ahmed, my parents and my inlaws, all want to know what is my decision. How can I make one so soon? It’s not as easy as everyone thinks. What am I going to do? I have no idea. 
 
I told my parents that I spoke to Ahmed and I also told them what he said. My dad says they don’t want to push me into a decision or force one onto me, but they feel, if Ahmed is coming home so soon, then he has realised his mistake. I just sat there and listened to what they had to say. 
 
I was suffocating at home and needed to get out so I asked Imraan, Rizwana and Farzeen to go out with me. We decided to go bowling, I need to get my mind of my troubles and just enjoy myself for one night. After bowling we went for coffee, Imraan told us about his plans to propose to Sakina. 
 
I think he is just such a gentleman and such a sweet guy, very few men will want to get married to a divorcee. I hope she says yes, she has a gem of a man, hope she realises it. I know it’s not easy for her because of her previous marriage but I guess she has to move on in life. 
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