Ahmed didn’t even bother to call me this morning, I thought maybe he would since I left without meeting him. it was bothering me the whole day but I didn’t want to call and find out if he was okay or why he didn’t call. I wanted him to make the effort on his own. 
I somehow got through the day but when time came to go home for the first time I was dreading it. I just didn’t feel like going home. I got to the parking lot and got into my car and just sat there for about 20 to 30 minutes. I really love Ahmed and I want to spend my life with him but is his love enough for me to overlook things. 
“Did he love me as much as he says he does? An I rushing into this relationship too quickly? Am I expecting too much? What am I doing I know he loves me, I know I want to be with Ahmed, maybe I am expecting too much.” all these thoughts went through my mind. I don’t k of what was happening. I feel so helpless.
I got home and quickly rushed and for ready, today is Thursday and Safiah is having Zikr and Yaseen Khatam at here’s house, I had to go help her. I so much wanted to check on Ahmed and see what he was doing but I tried not to. I want he must come to me, why should I always be the one to go to him. 
Why must I always be the first to apologize even if it’s not my mistake. I did the same when his sisters were wrong. I feel if I don’t put a stop to it now it will just continue. I will always be undermined if I don’t do something about it soon but I wasn’t going to take the first step.
Ahmed called to check if I was at home but he didn’t mention anything else. Well I just said I’m by Safiah and put the phone down. He came over and saw everyone busy,he tried to get my attention but I kept ignoring him. The Zikr was only after Esha so we had some time after supper. 
After supper Ahmed came over to me and asked “what’s wrong? Are you angry?” I didn’t want to make things worst between us so I just told him we will speak at home. He tried in between to talk to me but I just gave him one liners. I was so not in the mood for him. 
My mind was not at ease, I could feel the pressure in my head. I couldn’t concentrate on anything no matter how much I tried. I was at my friends function but I didn’t know what was happening or what I was doing. I couldn’t afford to get sick now when it’s her wedding. 
Before the Zikr, I went to Safiah and told her that I would be back, I needed to go home, I wasn’t feeling well. I went home and relaxed for a little while and I took some meds to calm my mind. I went back just before the men could return from mosque so that Ahmed wouldn’t know I went home. Otherwise he would of asked questions. 
it’s been a long day for me and I was really exhausted, while sitting there all I could think was when will I get to go home. I just wanted to get in my bed and sleep. I am off tomorrow but I have to help Safiah with a lot of things. I couldn’t go back to sleep after Fajr, I needed to be done early. 
After the Zikr, everyone came out for tea, Ahmed came to me and said we should go home, we got things to discuss. How could he just expect me to leave when I had to help them clean up and put things away. I just said not now got work to do. He didn’t listen to me nd went to Safiah and told her that we couldn’t stay to help we have some things to sort out. 
I was so upset that he did that, without asking me he just made a decision for me. Anyways we went home, the minute we walked in he abruptly said ” what’s your problem? Are you. Trying to create problems between us? Do you kept want to be together anymore?” 
I was stunned, I never expected him to react this way. I’m not even at fault. I wanted to just apologize and tell him I’m not angry, I’m just tired, but I didn’t I just thought it in my mind. Before I could say anything I started to feel nauseous and ran to the bathroom. I started vomiting and felt weak. 
Ahmed insisted we call a doctor but I didn’t want to, I told him I’ll be fine and he didn’t need to worry, I told him to go to Aunty Rubina before it’s too late. He refused to go. He said he will sleep in the lounge if he has to but won’t leave me. I didn’t have the energy to argue with him, I just said “do as you please.”
Ahmed sent Farzeen to go tell Aunty Rubina that I was not well and that he was staying by me for the night. I tried to explain to him that he can’t stay but he didn’t want to listen. It wasn’t right for him to spend a night at my place before we married, I know he did once when my brother was around but that was different. He just didn’t want to listen.
I didn’t sleep the whole night, I was vomiting quite a bit. In the morning I called my doctor, he prescribed some medication and said if it continued I would have to go on a drip. I didn’t want to go to hospital, I hate hospitals. I sent Ahmed for the medication and went to bed trying to fall asleep. 
I felt so bad I couldn’t go early to Safiah. Ahmed came back with the medication. I had to take two tablets and if it didn’t come right I had to admit myself in the hospital. I was really hoping it works. After a few hours I felt much better but still very sleepy but I got out of bed, showered and got ready to go to Safiahs house.
Ahmed didn’t want me to go but I couldn’t ditch her last minute. I looked like a zombie and everyone could see it, Safiah wanted me to ho home and rest, she said she understood and didn’t feel bad. She doesn’t want me to get more sick. So I went back home and got into bed, I slept for about and hour and then got ready for jummah, Ahmed came to check on me.
Aunty Rubina bought some food for me, although I didn’t feel like eating. Ahmed tried forcing me but I just yelled at him. He got a shock and just sat there looking at me for about half an hour. Then he said ” I know something is bothering you. What is it? Is it what my mum did?” I mumbled ” finally You figured something out.” 
“How do you expect me to just guess things? You need to tell me these things. Now you made yourself sick by keeping it in.” I’m sick here and all you can think about is how I didn’t tell you something I expected you to figure out. I wanted to chase him away, I just told him “like you would like to hear someone badmouthing your family, next time I’ll do exactly that.”
I asked him to go and help by Safiahs house because I wanted to sleep, but I actually wanted him gone because he was just annoying me more. I feel so frustrated and helpless. 

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